The green eyed monster of jealousy

Recently two good friends of mine announced that they are pregnant. Normally I would be the one jumping for joy and congratulating them over their new found life growing inside them. But now, I am finding myself fighting with the green eyed monster of jealousy. I become jealous as I see my friends get to start a family already and experience the one thing that I most want to experience in life. But I can't experience it just yet. I have to keep the rational head on my shoulders and tell myself that now is not the time, we have no means of supporting ourselves and a baby on the way, and we both wish to become something in life. I could never do that to Sam or myself. Sam wants to become something in life, and I would never want to burden him with a baby. I want to become something in life, and I am on my way to becoming it. I just have to keep telling myself to wait and that in the end all things will work out.

The waiting is annoying to say the least, but its the fear that dwells inside me as we speak that gets me the most. My biggest fear in life is being infertile. Not being able to enjoy the nine months of carrying the little life form within you. Or the experience of childbirth, though it is hell, I still wish to experience it. Every time I think about being infertile, my whole body begins to go in dread and tears sting at my eyes. And then jealousy washes over me like a shower. To look at my friends and see them experience something that I may never get to have. The resentment that I begin to feel towards them, seeing them start a family. The fear of not knowing if bearing children is in my deck of cards or not.

I know that I could be a mother in other ways. There is godmother, adoption, and having a surrogate mother. But to me that will never fill the void in not being able to carry a child for nine months. But even if I couldn't, I would suck it up and be the best mother I could be to my children. I just have to wait till the time is right and Sam and I are both able to support ourselves.

Plans

I'm getting tired of people making promises to me and never going through with them. It makes me feel as though I am not important at all with them. It just frustrates me and pisses me off. I know I shouldnt bitch about such things because they are pety. But it hurts. Guess I should just suck it up and pretend that everything is alright.

Where will we be?

Sam, I know you will probably read this sometime in the near future so know that I love you with everything I have. From the bottom of my heart and more. I know I have tried to speak to you about these problems in the past, but I could never articulate myself in the way I wished I could. So below is kind of how I felt today and just in a wrap up recently. I have been feeling like even though you say you always keep me in your thoughts, you don't. You kind of proven me that on a couple different occasions. I just feel like i'm not all that important to you anymore...
Today has just not been the greatest day for me. I'm frustrated beyond belief with my boyfriend and i'm about ready to through the towel in and say i'm done. I dont think he can see just how frustrated I am with him. And today just kinda put the icing on the cake for me. He took the guys to Portland to look for a place to live, yet he ASSUMES I will be living with him. If that is the case and I do live with him, should I not go with him to Portland and look at apartments with them? I dont care if I dont like the other guys, I know how to be mature and put that aside to be with my boyfriend and his friends.
I dont know what is going on with us recently. I feel us falling apart farther and farther each day. I dont know how we can fix it. Is there still love sitting there or is it just us staying together because we are comfortable with one another. Are we already starting to fall apart because of the stress of the thought of the two of us being away from one another again. I dont know what is happening anymore. I want to be with him because I love him. I want to stay with him because he is my true love and the thought of him being out of my life terrifies the living hell out of me. I just wish we could talk with no problem and not have the fear of one or the other hurting the others feelings.

Funk

As I sit here typing this, I think about my life and how I feel. Recently I have been in this funk and I just cant seem to get myself out of it. I am finding myself to be in more of "meh" mood then anything. When asked how I am, I always reply with a good or just fine. I wish that someone would just look at me and tell me that i'm not fine. That they can see through this mask I am putting on. 

This isn't who I am. Normally i'm bubbly and happy. Its just been recently that I have hit this funk. I want school to be over with so that way I can have a three month break, but at the same time I dread the thought of summer. I dont want my boyfriend to move away. I know thats selfish of me to say, and it is. Its just hard after suffering last summer and barely seeing each other. Just thinking of that makes me feel sad and a tightness in my chest begins to happen. I guess I am scared for what is to come. I feel like this thing is looming ever so close and i'm going to lose him. That is what is hardest for me. The thought of losing him. 

But then I begin to think, I dont want to be a burden on him. I know i'm not the easiest girlfriend because I love being with him, and when I dont get to see him, I just get frustrated and angry. So I start to think that maybe whats best for him is to not be with him. But then the water works happen and I know I couldnt do that. I love him with all of my heart and the thought of letting him go, just destroys me. 

All of these things are just thoughts in my head that I needed to get out. Dont take them all that seriously. I'm just in a state of funk where the worst tends to come forward.

why?

Why do I feel as though I am no longer important to you

Why do I feel this shift between us

Why is it that I feel this way

What can I do to make you see

What can I say that wont make you walk away

Why is it that I feel this way

When will I have to dread that moment

When will you finally see through that mirror I place up

Why is it that I feel this way

Why must I hide behind a mask of happiness

Why can I not speak my mind without fear of hurting

Why is it that I feel this way

What can I do

What can I say

Why do I feel this way

Just a little poem I have been working on lately. So I found out today that I have a kidney stone and could have or will be passing it here shortly. I have also turned in two applications for places hiring in McMinnville. So I hope to be an employee for either Ross or Petco. All I can do is hope for the best. I should have good luck after all of this bull crap I have been going through. I mean seriously, getting a uti, now a kidney stone. I need something good happening here soon! On top of that, I miss my boyfriend. Last week I hardly saw him at all, so I really want to see him!

April showers are to bring May flowers

So as it stands, in just a little over two months my boyfriend will be moving to Portland, and once again we are having distance placed upon us. Sam received his PSU acceptance letter about a month ago, and as happy as I am for him, I'm still scared. I'm scared for the outcome of what could happen. Though I can already hear his voice now telling me not to worry at that there is no use worrying about the 'what ifs'. But that still does not calm my nerves nor my fear.

As of May 9 of this year, Sam and I will have been dating for three years. And what three years it has been. There has been many ups and downs, several hurts, and several happy times. We have had so much happen to us. Some would have called it quits long ago with all of the shit that we have both been through, but not us. We work through our problems and try to communicate with each other.

Communication. Now that should never be a problem with couples, but I could swear that that is a huge issue with Sam and myself. I feel like our communication is never clear for the other one. I know on his account he tends to assume everything for me and not really ask me. I tend to do the same with him, but that is something I have been working on. The second thing that really bugs me is the fact that he no longer opens up to me. Its like certain subjects have now become tabooed between us, and I dont like that. Especially when it comes to things like colleges and our relationship.

Now moving on to college's. As I said earlier, Sam has been accepted into PSU (Portland State University). And once again it places distance between us. He is going to be going to Portland as soon as I am moving back home. I'm scared for him to leave. I'm scared that he hasn't thought his plans all the way through. I just want whats best for him, and sometimes I feel like he sees it differently. And when it comes to moving away, comes the factor of trust.. I just dont know how I feel about this. Trust right now is rocky...

I can admit that I am scared and freaked out. It doesn't matter what one says, it will not stop me from worrying. I'm scared that the distance between us will cause us more problems. I'm beyond scared that another girl is going to come along and take him from me. I worry about if he will get a job in time for school. I worry for if he will really find a place to stay for school. I fear the thought of us being away and our relationship falling apart.

I guess all that I can do is think positive and see where life is going to place us. A famous author once said that if you love someone let them go, and that if they loved you, they will come back to you.

All I can say is that Sam, I love you with all of my heart. With every inch of my being and I hope everything you say will be true babe. And I'm sorry that you had to read all of this here, but it seems like this is the only way I can get you to see my fears and worries. I love you babe.. I hope you will still love me after all of this.

Ready to just cry

So today has really just been a shitty day. I am blamed for something that I felt was fine and now I am being austrized within my hall and am being left to be a hermit in my own room. Now I am not that kind of a person, normally i'm really social and love being out with people and when I can't I feel stir crazy.

And then there is things with Sam. I'm happy that he is going to PSU and what not but now i'm scarred. Hes going to be around a crap ton of girls and shit could happen. Plus it now puts distance between us once again. And i'm also getting upset that i'm the one who is always being sweet and putting a fake smile on my face. i'm getting to that point of just saying screw it and let him be sweet from here on out. I just feel like hes being insensitive and not remembering i'm his girlfriend.

Two days of good and bad

So yesterday I had this huge plan on going to Walmart to buy a couple of things for myself and just browse the aisles. But my car had a different plan, he decided to place the "check engine" light on and be a butthead. I went to the 76 gas station here in monmouth to see if maybe it was my oil, nope. So tomorrow I have to take my car to a shop here and see what is wrong with it. Hopefully it is something only minor and nothing to serious. Fingers crossed for that.

Today however seems to be doing a bit better. I turned in my application to subway up here and the dude who took my app seemed to really like me. He told me that if he could hire me, he would have. I hope that I can get that job, it would be nice and then I wouldnt have to depend so much on my grandpa and I could start repaying him back. Plus it would help me start saving money in case something like this happens again. So here is to me getting the job.

Saturday is supposed to be a day for sam and I to be together and finally have a night to ourselves. If not then it looks like I will have to wait till February to see him. Which will be awhile for us. I hope everything works out for us. Here is for hoping that there is only something minor with the car and that I get my job so I can pay my grandpa back for all of this!

First of the Year

So Christmas went off with a hit, I worked things out with my step mom and what not. So there really isnt much happening now, we are on good terms. The start of Christmas break wasnt what I really wanted, I ended up moving out of my sisters house and am now homeless. But I would rather be homeless then be living with her damn psycho a$$. I will just see where the road takes me for right now.

It is now the start of a new year and with a new year there are goals that we set for myself. This year for myself I have made my goals be the following:

• Lose a bit of weight
• Be a better girlfriend
• Not curse as much
• read more books
• and make deans list.

So the whole Lose weight issue is mainly for me to at least feel better about myself. Sure my boyfriend says I look beautiful the way I am, but I dont feel it. So I am going to do what it is that i need to do what makes me happy.

Now being a better girlfriend. How I feel about that is that I haven't been the best girlfriend to my boyfriend and i dont like that. It makes me sad. I feel like I am actually losing him at times. And yeah I know that I can be quick to anger but I am trying.. I just dont want to lose him. He really is a sweet guy, immature at times, but he is my love.

Cursing, simple, I just dont need to do it anymore.

Reading more books as easy as it says.

Making deans list- so last term I had a 2.73 gpa, it also reflected from what I had in previously. I just need to work harder, and I will.