Recently two good friends of mine announced that they are pregnant. Normally I would be the one jumping for joy and congratulating them over their new found life growing inside them. But now, I am finding myself fighting with the green eyed monster of jealousy. I become jealous as I see my friends get to start a family already and experience the one thing that I most want to experience in life. But I can't experience it just yet. I have to keep the rational head on my shoulders and tell myself that now is not the time, we have no means of supporting ourselves and a baby on the way, and we both wish to become something in life. I could never do that to Sam or myself. Sam wants to become something in life, and I would never want to burden him with a baby. I want to become something in life, and I am on my way to becoming it. I just have to keep telling myself to wait and that in the end all things will work out.
The waiting is annoying to say the least, but its the fear that dwells inside me as we speak that gets me the most. My biggest fear in life is being infertile. Not being able to enjoy the nine months of carrying the little life form within you. Or the experience of childbirth, though it is hell, I still wish to experience it. Every time I think about being infertile, my whole body begins to go in dread and tears sting at my eyes. And then jealousy washes over me like a shower. To look at my friends and see them experience something that I may never get to have. The resentment that I begin to feel towards them, seeing them start a family. The fear of not knowing if bearing children is in my deck of cards or not.
I know that I could be a mother in other ways. There is godmother, adoption, and having a surrogate mother. But to me that will never fill the void in not being able to carry a child for nine months. But even if I couldn't, I would suck it up and be the best mother I could be to my children. I just have to wait till the time is right and Sam and I are both able to support ourselves.
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