I should have known that the first time it happened to me, it was going to happen more than once. There is a saying that goes, hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me. And boy is there a huge shame on me. I should have known, I should have walked when everyone told me to, yet I stayed because I loved him, because I could see the man that no one else could see or was willing to see. Yes he was a goof, yes he made me angry, but that was what happened in relationships. Sure we fought and sure we went past all those odds, I thought they meant something, I thought he truly loved me. But I guess I was wrong. He walked away like it was nothing, like these last four years were nothing, and like I was nothing. He never looked back. How many times did I take him back after hurting me, yet the one time we get into a major fight, he tucks tail and runs then breaks up with me. Fine. I know I am not the easiest to handle and sure I like spending my time with the person I love, but thats because when I love someone, I love them with my whole heart. I let them in and I expose the very vulnerable aspects of myself to them. I trust them enough to never hurt me, but I was all wrong. My guard is once again up and I am afraid to let anyone near me like that. I surround myself with friends and distract myself with everyday life. Most days it works, but when shit gets fluanted in my face, I am once again struck with that pain of feeling like I was nothing to him, that I am just so easily replaced. He has a new girlfriend now, and it infuriates me. Everything he once said to me was a lie, so why should I believe a word that comes from his mouth. Anger, hurt, sadness, all of these are just words that could describe how I feel, yet they do me no justice. They will always be feelings in which I feel, but to truly say how I am, how I feel, no one would know unless they sat in my shoes. Every fiber in my being hates him for hurting me the way he did, for being a coward and cheating like he did, but there will always be that one small spot that will still care for him, how could a person not when they have been together for four years. Sure that will come in time, but now, now the hate and anger subsides all that I feel.
I still have enough respect to keep things private about my life. I haven't jumped into a new relationship because I need to find myself again and I think I am on the way to doing that. Sure I fuck around a lot. Now is the time to do so. I have a right to live my life the way I want to now. He will see one day what it is that he truly lost, because I am a great person. I am a loving person, an amazing young woman who has a lot going for her. I am living my life to the fullest, hanging out with friends, going on road trips, and meeting some pretty amazing people along the way. I will grow stronger from this, I just have to take a step each day at finding this beautiful young woman that I lost. It will be different being single for a summer, but now is the time for me to explore new territory that I am unfamiliar with, and I believe I am on that way.
As of now, I have to go and finish my linguistics homework before noon today, or I could be losing some points.
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