Plans

I'm getting tired of people making promises to me and never going through with them. It makes me feel as though I am not important at all with them. It just frustrates me and pisses me off. I know I shouldnt bitch about such things because they are pety. But it hurts. Guess I should just suck it up and pretend that everything is alright.

Where will we be?

Sam, I know you will probably read this sometime in the near future so know that I love you with everything I have. From the bottom of my heart and more. I know I have tried to speak to you about these problems in the past, but I could never articulate myself in the way I wished I could. So below is kind of how I felt today and just in a wrap up recently. I have been feeling like even though you say you always keep me in your thoughts, you don't. You kind of proven me that on a couple different occasions. I just feel like i'm not all that important to you anymore...
Today has just not been the greatest day for me. I'm frustrated beyond belief with my boyfriend and i'm about ready to through the towel in and say i'm done. I dont think he can see just how frustrated I am with him. And today just kinda put the icing on the cake for me. He took the guys to Portland to look for a place to live, yet he ASSUMES I will be living with him. If that is the case and I do live with him, should I not go with him to Portland and look at apartments with them? I dont care if I dont like the other guys, I know how to be mature and put that aside to be with my boyfriend and his friends.
I dont know what is going on with us recently. I feel us falling apart farther and farther each day. I dont know how we can fix it. Is there still love sitting there or is it just us staying together because we are comfortable with one another. Are we already starting to fall apart because of the stress of the thought of the two of us being away from one another again. I dont know what is happening anymore. I want to be with him because I love him. I want to stay with him because he is my true love and the thought of him being out of my life terrifies the living hell out of me. I just wish we could talk with no problem and not have the fear of one or the other hurting the others feelings.

Funk

As I sit here typing this, I think about my life and how I feel. Recently I have been in this funk and I just cant seem to get myself out of it. I am finding myself to be in more of "meh" mood then anything. When asked how I am, I always reply with a good or just fine. I wish that someone would just look at me and tell me that i'm not fine. That they can see through this mask I am putting on. 

This isn't who I am. Normally i'm bubbly and happy. Its just been recently that I have hit this funk. I want school to be over with so that way I can have a three month break, but at the same time I dread the thought of summer. I dont want my boyfriend to move away. I know thats selfish of me to say, and it is. Its just hard after suffering last summer and barely seeing each other. Just thinking of that makes me feel sad and a tightness in my chest begins to happen. I guess I am scared for what is to come. I feel like this thing is looming ever so close and i'm going to lose him. That is what is hardest for me. The thought of losing him. 

But then I begin to think, I dont want to be a burden on him. I know i'm not the easiest girlfriend because I love being with him, and when I dont get to see him, I just get frustrated and angry. So I start to think that maybe whats best for him is to not be with him. But then the water works happen and I know I couldnt do that. I love him with all of my heart and the thought of letting him go, just destroys me. 

All of these things are just thoughts in my head that I needed to get out. Dont take them all that seriously. I'm just in a state of funk where the worst tends to come forward.