my Baby

so today i went into portland to see my grandfather and my boyfriend went with me. i felt that it was time for one important man in my life to meet the other.

and on the topic of my boyfriend, sam. what can i say, this is the man that i love. he means the world to me. he is the first thing that i think of when i wake up, the last thing that i think of when i go to bed, and hes just always on my mind. i feel like a little girl when i'm around him. he makes me have all these butterflies. i love him so much. he has made me that happiest person alive and he is my sunshine^^

I love you sam

amazing guy

i can't believe that i got so lucky! i have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. he is the one that makes me smile everyday, the one who can make me laugh even when i'm sad. The one who makes my heart skip a beat when he is near. i just wanted him to know this. i love you so very much sam^^ thank you for bringing me back to my oldself and making me the person i am today. I know that we sometimes have little ups ands down. but nothing to bad. your an amazing guy. i hope you know that.

what a post

not much has really happened much for me to blog about. Though i have to say that on sunday i celebrated my three month anniversary with my boyfriend. oh and last night i dyed my hair a dark burgandy color. other than that, my life has been filled with sam, famil, and friends.

what can i say...................

How many times do i have to break, till i shatter? thats a good question. To many people i seem like a person who can never be hurt or who is strong. But that is only a mask, i'm still human. I have emotins just like everyone else! just because i choose to hide them, doesn't make me weak or strong. Its my choose. Wearing a mask has been something that i have acustomed to wearing. When my father died it was devistating. And those of you, who have ever lost a parent, knows what i mean. For days i cried and from than on, my emotins where all over the place. Than in seventh grade i closed off all emotion except for happiness. I wore a mask everyday. People belived me to be always happy. so i just continued to wear it. it became a part of me. Than in eighth grade, my grandma died, and i cried all over again. And that mask came back up. I had to be strong, not only for myself, but for my mom and my sister. I dealt with it all in this. So many nights i just sat in my bed and wished that all pain and suffering would end. And so from there, i became strong. To me, tears were nothing but a nusance that had to die. I had never let people see me cry, it was a weakness.

Lately though, my emotions are as plain as day. Not only do my eyes reflect what i'm feeling, but they tell a lot. And they are looking so sad lately, because of one guy. He keeps trying to go after me, knowing full well that i'm taken. He tells me that he's not trying to break us up. YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!! if he wasn't than he should stop with thoses messages about me "helping" him. Its not fair to me OR my boyfriend. It always seems to be that when i get to the happiest point in my life, someone has to ruin it, or try and bring me down some way. Thats why i started the entry the way i did. And all i'm worried about is my boyfriend. He's the one who has to deal with this. I'm getting so stressed out abot this guy. And i can't lie to sam. He knows when i'm lying cause of my eyes.......

sorry to all. i just really had to rant about this, since it just happened

just a rant

its just so.............................. i don't know at the moment. my life can be going so well and than BOOM!, something happens and i get sad again. I just wish that time would move on and i wasn't stuck in what felt like the house of hell. Don't get me wrong everything outside of home is fine, but its whats inside that not many people really know about. Its not so bad except for the verbal and emotional stuff that i have to go through from time to time. It never fails with me, i can't be the perfect child. And there is no way that i can be. I am who i am. if you can't accept that, than you can't accept me for me.

I'm getting tired of all the fights that have been going on here. I'm tired of living in my room and having to walk on egg shells, just because my step mom has a huge stick up her arse. She just needs to leave and not come back. we can make it on our own with no problem

DRAMA NEEDS TO END!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok so right now i'm just going to go off. so please forgive me if i don't sound sensitive or what not, but i'm getting so tired of having to deal with everyone eles problems!!!! i may be a mother at heart to everyone. But my god! you knew there might not be a chance of you getting back with him. Don't get all flippen moppy about it. Instead, try to see the damn positive in it! you might actually find someone better out there. And don't give the crap, that you gave him your heart. I know that you did, but if he doesn't want it, you still have it and in time it comes back to you. I'm sorry to all that read this, i'm really not that in sensitive, i'm just getting tired of this certain friends "broken heart" drama. Thats all its been this whole school year and summer. And guess who has to pick up the peices each time she gets hurt. I do! because i'm like a mom to her. But i'm getting done, with the fact that she'll ask for help and i give her what i can. yet she won't take it, knowing full well that it will.

I got to get off this subject. sorry to all again. but i just really had to rant about this, cause it was really starting to piss me off