My new bf

It's been an eventful weekend for me. Friday, Gene and I were supposed to go on a date together, but we cancelled because he was going to get Jamison for the night. So I understood and was happy to cancel it so he could have time with his son. Saturday we were supposed to have our date, but he got really sick and was hospitalized for the day, which scared me since I hadn't heard from him pretty much all day. But I got some messages from him telling me he was ok. Yesterday I was really worried because I hadn't heard from him all day and I finally heard from him last night. Which made me happy since I wanted to know that he was ok. He texted me and told me he was on his way to see me because that was all he wanted. He came over and we cuddled on the couch and "watched" some movies. I do love cuddling with him :). I am supposed to see him tonight after he gets off work but we shall see. Last night I told him some of my fears and that I was going to have a hard time trusting due to being screwed over in the past. He looked at me and placed a hand on my cheek and told me that he would never do that to me, that he will always be honest with me and that I don't need to worry because he promised he wasn't going to go anywhere. I think I am truly blessed to have someone like him in my life. He has been so sweet and understand of everything that has happened to me. The other thing that is really nice about him is that he is older than I am. He is almost 23 and our birthdays are only 6 days apart. He does have two kids, but he only gets to see one, Jamison is so cute! I can't wait to meet that cute little boy :). We will see where this will go, but I think I found someone amazing that likes me for me and is going to be there through everything with me.

A new door has opened.

The last two days have been rather eventful for this girl here. We did lose the house that we wanted. The guy never called us to tell us that he already signed the house over to another renter, so we wasted the money and gas to go up there and wait for nothing. We did however look at a second home and turned in an application for it. We both really liked the house, but we just couldn't afford how much he was asking for rent and security deposit. We are also looking at apartments in Independence, we found one that is really nice and it will allow Dug to live with us, but its expensive and Dug would have to go through an interview process, that's what I am worried about. He was abused by males and he never likes being near them, not only that but he doesn't like strangers and he will bark at them. So if he isn't allowed to be in there, I wont go there. If all else fails, I will just get a single room apartment and live there. Maybe have my boyfriend move in with me or not, I am not sure yet.
Which leads me to the next event in my life. I am seeing a guy that is a couple years older than I am. When I turn 21, he will be 23. He is super sweet and so amazing! He does already have two kids, but that doesn't bother me, nor does it bother me that he has a past. He is a different person today and that is all that matters. Last night he took me for a walk, helped me even though I sprained my foot again, and we watched the stars. As we were laying there looking up at the stars, he pulled me to him and asked me to go out with him. Of course I said yes, and we had a great night. I didn't get back in till after 3:30 and even then I didn't want to leave him. But hopefully we will get to have many more nights like last night.
For now I have to start getting ready for my date and also start my new blog!

A new door opening

Yesterday, Jesi and I went back up to Monmouth for the day to see about a few things. One of those things being what it would cost me to break my housing contract with the school and what fee's I would have to take care of. After that, we went to the financial aid office to see if my tuition would cover me living off campus. And it does! After that we went out and started looking at places in the Dallas, Monmouth, and Independence area. At first we were having no luck at all, nothing was really coming up for us. But as the afternoon wore on and we were about to leave, we found a house for rent. It is a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, huge backyard and large patio. We called and got to take a tour of the house, we even talked the guy into giving us the house for rent for $800 a month, catch is that we would be doing a lot of the repairs and yard work to knock off some of that rent. Which is not a problem for me, I'm excited to work on the backyard because then I can create my fire pit that I have been wanting. So I am hoping and praying that we get the house thursday and that we can sign to move in the beginning of September. It would be great and amazing to do this with two of my best friends. Plus it saves me a lot of money in the end that I can put towards paying bills off. I'm ready to be out of Mac, to be away from what this town once held for me, and to get out from my mom. I want to start my life, and I am starting now. A fresh start for me, for me to grow and become a better person and maybe one day find someone.

When one door closes, several others open up :)

Within the last two months my life has changed in ways that I thought weren't ever going to happen, but you know what, its for the better. I am growing more and more each day. Yes I the occasional day where I struggle and just wish that I could forget about everything, but you know what, the past is the past and it's what has made me who I am today. I have recently been looking at going to an out of state college. To get away from Oregon and Mac in general. My problem with that lies in three things, the first being the cost. Arizona and Penn State are out of the question because I can not in any way afford the out of state tuition it would cost me to go. Though I have been looking at going to Houston University. Hmm me in Texas, I never thought I would see myself there, but now is the time for me to live. The next thing keeping me here is my family. My mom is not rather fond of the idea of me moving out of state for several reasons that are still unclear to me. But she said that even though she does not like the idea of me leaving, she would support it. The last thing keeping me here momentarily is the fact that I have met someone new. He's so sweet and so amazing! He is a year in a half older then me and he works full time. We have been talking recently and he told me that he wanted me to be his, he only wanted to ask me in person first. And you know what, I want to be his. He makes me feel so good about myself! He is so kind and funny :) he just leaves me with this giant grin on my face and I can not wipe it from my face! I just can't wait to meet up with him and kiss his adorable lips!
Ashley's wedding is coming up soon and I have like a million in one things to do to get ready for it. I have the party and the planning to get done. I still have to get shoes for my dress, find a hairstyle, get the right jewelry, pick out the flowers for my bouquet, make sure we have the decorations, and so much more! I am so happy for my best friend, she definitely made a good choice! My god son is growing up rather quickly. He is almost nine months old! Yikes my baby boy has grown up so fast! When I look at him, I wonder what my life would be like if I had one of my own, but since my scare not that long ago, I know I am not ready in certain ways. I just got my freedom back and I am not yet ready to give it up. But I don't mind taking care of my god son, he is the only man right now in my heart. And he will always hold a place there, he is my first god son! Already he knows me and loves to cuddle with me. I am so glad that Ash isn't moving, I wasn't ready to lose my best friend once again.  

We all learn from our mistakes

I should have known that the first time it happened to me, it was going to happen more than once. There is a saying that goes, hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me. And boy is there a huge shame on me. I should have known, I should have walked when everyone told me to, yet I stayed because I loved him, because I could see the man that no one else could see or was willing to see. Yes he was a goof, yes he made me angry, but that was what happened in relationships. Sure we fought and sure we went past all those odds, I thought they meant something, I thought he truly loved me. But I guess I was wrong. He walked away like it was nothing, like these last four years were nothing, and like I was nothing. He never looked back. How many times did I take him back after hurting me, yet the one time we get into a major fight, he tucks tail and runs then breaks up with me. Fine. I know I am not the easiest to handle and sure I like spending my time with the person I love, but thats because when I love someone, I love them with my whole heart. I let them in and I expose the very vulnerable aspects of myself to them. I trust them enough to never hurt me, but I was all wrong. My guard is once again up and I am afraid to let anyone near me like that. I surround myself with friends and distract myself with everyday life. Most days it works, but when shit gets fluanted in my face, I am once again struck with that pain of feeling like I was nothing to him, that I am just so easily replaced. He has a new girlfriend now, and it infuriates me. Everything he once said to me was a lie, so why should I believe a word that comes from his mouth. Anger, hurt, sadness, all of these are just words that could describe how I feel, yet they do me no justice. They will always be feelings in which I feel, but to truly say how I am, how I feel, no one would know unless they sat in my shoes. Every fiber in my being hates him for hurting me the way he did, for being a coward and cheating like he did, but there will always be that one small spot that will still care for him, how could a person not when they have been together for four years. Sure that will come in time, but now, now the hate and anger subsides all that I feel.
I still have enough respect to keep things private about my life. I haven't jumped into a new relationship because I need to find myself again and I think I am on the way to doing that. Sure I fuck around a lot. Now is the time to do so. I have a right to live my life the way I want to now. He will see one day what it is that he truly lost, because I am a great person. I am a loving person, an amazing young woman who has a lot going for her. I am living my life to the fullest, hanging out with friends, going on road trips, and meeting some pretty amazing people along the way. I will grow stronger from this, I just have to take a step each day at finding this beautiful young woman that I lost. It will be different being single for a summer, but now is the time for me to explore new territory that I am unfamiliar with, and I believe I am on that way.
As of now, I have to go and finish my linguistics homework before noon today, or I could be losing some points.

The green eyed monster of jealousy

Recently two good friends of mine announced that they are pregnant. Normally I would be the one jumping for joy and congratulating them over their new found life growing inside them. But now, I am finding myself fighting with the green eyed monster of jealousy. I become jealous as I see my friends get to start a family already and experience the one thing that I most want to experience in life. But I can't experience it just yet. I have to keep the rational head on my shoulders and tell myself that now is not the time, we have no means of supporting ourselves and a baby on the way, and we both wish to become something in life. I could never do that to Sam or myself. Sam wants to become something in life, and I would never want to burden him with a baby. I want to become something in life, and I am on my way to becoming it. I just have to keep telling myself to wait and that in the end all things will work out.

The waiting is annoying to say the least, but its the fear that dwells inside me as we speak that gets me the most. My biggest fear in life is being infertile. Not being able to enjoy the nine months of carrying the little life form within you. Or the experience of childbirth, though it is hell, I still wish to experience it. Every time I think about being infertile, my whole body begins to go in dread and tears sting at my eyes. And then jealousy washes over me like a shower. To look at my friends and see them experience something that I may never get to have. The resentment that I begin to feel towards them, seeing them start a family. The fear of not knowing if bearing children is in my deck of cards or not.

I know that I could be a mother in other ways. There is godmother, adoption, and having a surrogate mother. But to me that will never fill the void in not being able to carry a child for nine months. But even if I couldn't, I would suck it up and be the best mother I could be to my children. I just have to wait till the time is right and Sam and I are both able to support ourselves.

Plans

I'm getting tired of people making promises to me and never going through with them. It makes me feel as though I am not important at all with them. It just frustrates me and pisses me off. I know I shouldnt bitch about such things because they are pety. But it hurts. Guess I should just suck it up and pretend that everything is alright.