lashing out

I'm done, I just cant continue to bottle up all my freaking feelings anymore. I'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm lonely, i'm done! I hate living so far away from people that i care about. I hate living in a hall with all girls, though i love them all, i can't do the whole estrogen thing here. I'm angry that i feel like i am doing every god damn thing here and receiving no help. I hurt because my family always promised to be there for me, and you know what, they aren't. I hate how i have been dumped off the end and told to swim for my life. I hate how i have to pretend to not be angry or to not be sad, when thats all i am feeling! I hate how i am far from my boyfriend! I hate how i feel our relationship is on the rocks. I hate how I become angry because he cant stand up for himself. I hate it all. College was supposed to be the good life, so far all i have seen has been nothing but struggle here. If thats all it is going to be, I don't want it. I just don't freaking care anymore. I don't!

Sure this all sounds like some whiny bitch crying out, but it's not. You have not stepped foot in my shoes to really feel how i am feeling or to see the fake smile that i place on my lips every single day.

Spanish :/

So spanish is supposed to be fun. At least thats how I feel. But this term for spanish, I have taken spanish with a complete nutter. She is so horrible to the students. We have a legally blind student in our class and she fails him in tests because he can not see. It frustrates me to be in this class with such a horrible teacher. Today alone made me want to rip my hair, she said that i wasn't going to receive any of my homework points because I did not complete the homework assignment IN my workbook, but wrote it on a separate piece of paper. UMM excuse me! I went above and beyond with this assignment and I completed it, I should receive my points. I am not paying no $21 thousand a year for you to fail me in my class because I did not write my homework in my workbook, but completed it on a separate piece of paper. Sorry wont fly with me. I can already tell that this professor and I will be having some problems this term.

Now normally, I am not a hateful person, but this woman just drives me insane.. She fails a legally blind student because he can not see to take a test or to see the time in which class starts. So there should be a bit of slack there. He has gone to the office of disability and told them what is going on. It literally took him two weeks for her to allow him to have his computer in class so he could take some notes. I just dont understand her. I guess I never will. I mean clearly he has a disability if he is walking with blind stick. Is it not that all professors are supposed to be accommodating to all those who have a disability?

dorm overall

Life here at Western takes some time to get used to. The classes here are great, though I can say that I don't particularly care for one of my professors. But I don't care really, I have made up my mind that next term I WILL NOT TAKE HER CLASS! No matter what, I will not sit through another agonizing 50 minutes of her class.

But onto the real reason I began this post. As I said earlier, i do rather enjoy the college life. But what I don't enjoy is the constant screaming like a banshee, the assholes above me always blaring their music or having sex. There are pros and cons to living on the first floor. Pros of it is that I don't have to be quiet when I get up, I dont have to go up and down some many flights of stairs (yes I am a fatty), and I have the greatest view of the little critters that live out here. So yes there are Pros and Cons to living on the first floor, but i wouldn't change it for the world. I have met some really awesome people here.

ENTER IN: Arianna, Annie, and Kenzie.

All totally awesome people. Ari is just like my best friend and its totally awesome. Annie is like my dorm mom you could say. She already has 4 years under her belt, so she knows the ropes a bit better. Then there is Kenzie, man i love this girl. Even though when i first saw her, i was a bit intimidated by her, but now i have really gotten to see the truly sweet girl she is. Annie and Kenzie are the two who i think when i get older and have kids, they will be their specials aunts. And Ari, well Ari will always be Ari in my book. But I see her and I being Moms with our kids running around and us having coffee.

overall, college has been great. I do miss my family and my friends. but i most of all miss my boyfriend. I really do miss him. He has been trying so hard lately to be more attentive and caring towards me, its so sweet. I also really want to smoke a bit of the bud, but i know i shouldn't. All well.

Time for me to go to bed. I have class in the morning. Will post hopefully tomorrow.

Do you still love me?

Sometimes.... you hurt me more then i'm willing to admit. Why? Because i love you and am willing to turn a blind eye to the words that you say or the actions that you portray to me? When will i finally be able to admit the hurt that has been in me for the last few months is eating away at me. That i haven't been all that honest. That in you hurting me, i end up hurting you.

Only time heals all wounds, that is what these scars say to me. That i will be able to be me again one day. I just have to find myself again so i may look in the mirror and see myself, not some emptied shell of a being.

maybe one day...

Ash

superman

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
?Bout a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream?
And it's not easy to be me

Up up and away away from me
Well it's all right
You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

Inside of me, inside of me, yeah
Inside of me, inside of me

I'm only a man in a funny red sheet
I'm only a man looking for a dream
I'm only a man in a funny red sheet
And it's not easy, it's not easy to be me

this song holds dear in my heart. on September 4, 2011 it will be 10 years since my father died. Its hard to believe that its been this long. Looking back, my father has missed out on many things in my life because he was taken from my life at an early age. He has missed out on years of birthdays, he wasnt there for graduation, he wont be there for college.... he just wont be there for anything anymore. he is gone and sadly the memories of him are fading.

since the last time i posted, many things have happened. my family has moved away and i am currently living with my sister. i cant complain its a roof over my head. but its nothing like home. i feel so lonely, even when every one is here surrounding me. i just feel like i dont belong, im so lonely. i just dont know anymore.

and then there is sam. we have been together for almost 2 1/2 years. its pretty nice. but i miss the hell out of him. i know we fight and sometimes i'm hard to handle but he knows how to handle me. man i miss him so much. i dont like not getting to see him everyday. i wish time could rewind sometimes. i feel he deserves better then me. someone close to home, someone who doesnt have so many problems. at least thats how i feel, i feel so bad for throwing a dish at him. i want to change things, i want to take back all the hurt i have caused him. i love him so much, more then he may ever know.

well later days, thanks for reading my jumbled mess of a life